tisdag 20 juni 2017

Social vs Anti-Social: My life in a nutshell.

One look at the message on my phone: An invitation to my Family's summer cottage in Värmland over midsummer. Sounds like fun; a few days with family, some target shooting with my airsoft rifle, photographing the local wildlife and time spent in the sun. And yet my first reaction is to decline with some excuse. Thankfully, I overrode it almost at once - instead making the plans necessary.

The same thing happened this weekend. I spent two days not leaving the house while at the same time looking at Instagram and Facebook posts about all the fun things people do, a big part wishing I could visit a museum train, play games at Gärdet or just be out in the sun. But the anti-social side of me, the part that prefers to be alone prevented all of it causing my social side to increase the dosage of guilt.

You see, these two sides of me are always in conflict. When somebody invites me to something I always think of the first possible excuse. It is not always what I end up saying but it is the first thing that pops up in my head. I like being social. I like meeting people. I like doing stuff. But the anti-social part of me just thinks it is unsafe, that nobody really wants to hang out with me despite the invitations and suggestions I get. So better stay home and work on a project.

I would like to point out that I do not enjoy this one bit. I do not want my life to be this way, a constant fight between being social and playing it safe on my own. I suspect part of it has to be all the times I got ghosted by a former friend of mine, when I suggested I would like to do something with someone who really do not want to meet me and hence keep making up excuses; even when I found out they were blatant lies. If you are wondering why I never took the hint, it is because she kept insisting everything was fine. It certainly did not help that when we did break contact, one of her reasons why was that I never trusted her when she said she could not meet. Gee, I wonder why?

Either way, it is a bit of a damned-if-you-do-it-damned-if-you-dont thing going on. If I am social, there will always be this part who wonders if I am just the person brought along. If I am not, I have at least stopped feeling nobody wants me around and its better that way. Instead, this is replaced by feelings of guilt, especially if I declined. Now, sometimes it is wise of me to decline. This weekend might actually be such a case since I needed some me-time but when you start wanting to return to work because you want to feel social, it is hardly an optimal situation.

I suppose it is a sign of progress either way. My first instinct may still be to decline but at least I try and consult my schedule and the feasibility first. That said; there still are a lot of things I should put more effort going to.